How I human today was not how I did pre-pandemic.

Left photo by Chelsea Dawn

A blog post about feeling alone during the pandemic, being a strong bad-ass woman and the after affects of it all.

The year is 2023 and we have come out of a pandemic about, I would say, a year and a half ago now. I don't know about you, though I've been reflecting upon who I was before the pandemic versus who I am now. And I've noticed there's a really big shift. I've been going through the last, I'd say, month just kind of slowly recognizing this and realizing that a lot of us have not gotten the opportunity to feel okay. Certain basic pieces in life, like meeting people again, socializing, and feeling included, are very restrictive. Now, the reason why I bring this up is because I know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. And I'm hoping that by sharing this part of my story, it will help someone else understand that they're also not alone. Now before the pandemic.

Anyone who knows me pre-pandemic knows that I was doing a lot. I was singing and dancing in a cabaret in Banff with an all-Queer cast. So fabulous (I miss you guys). And I was gogo dancing at a casino! Those ladies are precious, absolutely lovely beings. And what was even more special about Gogo dancing was that my friend and I got to do it together as well. And thus we made more friends who are in the same community as we are (that was even more exciting). Then I had a pretty much full-time job. I worked four days a week and I worked hard, long hours. I worked at a property management company. That was pretty much my life, especially after fashion school I threw myself into my art even more. And this was the first time because of my background.

I grew up first with ballet, then tap, then jazz, then the list goes on as I was in competitions till I was about 17 years old. To have the opportunity and to put it out there and say, like, “I really want to sing again, I really want to dance again”, and then to be paid for both, was the coolest thing that had happened to me. I was so used to just, Oh, like this is just what I do. I mean, singing. Yes, I enjoyed singing, I have released music, and I've been paid for some of my music, which has been great. But to actually intentionally have a night or nights where you performed for people and you got paid good money to be a performer, is so special. Currently, I think back on those times and like, wow, even before that, I was such a confidence-driven, strong woman. Yeah, I have my own shit, but I was always working on it and yet still having fun. And so as I go back through time, very briefly and I think of those times now. I'm not saying currently I'm not like that. I just know that the level of where I was before was so much different from where I am right now, and that has been really unique for me.

So when I decided I was going to move to Toronto, it was very as it is for me when I decide something, especially when it comes to moving somewhere, I'm like, It's happening. I don't know how, but it's happening. And when I say it, I mean it. I do it. That's how it goes. Yet, the pandemic was happening and I saw an opportunity. My job was, as most people's jobs were, you couldn't work from home at the time. I quickly realized that, wow, this is the time for me to ask if I can move. And so I asked if I could keep my job while I moved across the country and, I was able to do it. My bosses were very, very excited for me. It's kind of funny because we both kind of moved on the same day. They moved offices. Everyone was officially remote and I moved to another province. That was a really cool space to be in.

I remember it was before my birthday when I decided I was going to move to Toronto. I remember walking to my best friend Mike's place, and I said to myself, “I am going to do it”. I remember saying to him, “Yeah, I think I'm going to do this” and he was like, “Yeah, okay, cool”. And then all of a sudden he's like, Wait, you're moving on because it was all in motion. I’ll never forget it. It was a really fun and funny experience to witness, I think, for both of us.

Now, leading up to that was stressful because we are in a pandemic. I had a lot of natural resistance from families saying, You shouldn't do that. I never listened to my family, to be honest, because I just needed to go. I love Calgary. Calgary is where I grew up it's where I'm from. I will never not love Calgary, but for me to stay in that city any longer was only stunting my growth. I felt like I had accomplished everything I needed. I was in the best shape I had been in a long time. Work was not the best for me financially, but it was good. It was good enough.

As I saw the opportunity that they're there letting me leave and I still get to keep my job making a lot of pros happen. And it just it was just the right time. It is how I started my journey. I was excited, too, because I thought, “Oh, yes, I'm I'm going to get a roommate”. You know, during the pandemic, I think this is going to be perfect, too, because I'll be able to at least, you know, be with people. I won't feel so alone. So I felt like I had all my ducks in a row and everything was very hopeful, very positive. And when I moved to Toronto, I didn't realize that that was not the case. During the pandemic, I did have a roommate and we did not get along. You know, for the first bit we did get on and I appreciated her. I think she appreciated me. There are definitely moments where it was not the right match and it got to the point where it was not the right match for me to stay. After some drama with that, and even after I had moved out, it really put stress on me, mostly financially, but it really put stress on me because I felt just sad and disappointed. I really genuinely wanted that to work out, but I was in a space where I couldn't be there anymore.

I was so grateful because my best friend Andy, was a total rock for me at that time. We both worked together we would we would jump on a call and just work together online. It was it was great. She was my saving grace, to be honest. I had a group of friends in New York that I had met really quickly, and (maybe I'll eventually dive a little deeper with that) they were also some really strong rocks in my life. Just grounding total gems of humans. I am forever grateful for everyone who supported me during that time because it was not easy looking back. I've been very grateful in terms of housing here in Toronto because I have gotten to be in places that have served me well. And there's definitely been some moments of knowing that “this is this is the end”.

When I moved into my own place it was a super tiny place. A great house, some lovely ladies, and (one who is still a really good friend of mine) a super grateful time. But then drama happened there and pretty much the majority of us left because of it. At this time I also started a new job and drama happened at the job. I mean, let's be honest. Drama happens everywhere you go. But also, I recognized that within myself. I was not in a really fully grounded, healthy space. And so any little crack of unworthiness, I think, crept out and it made its way through parts of my life and my job tested me. It tested me in a way that I did not want to be tested because I was already tested so much with roommates, with neighbours, with family members passing away, and with having not been able to be there for my family. Struggling even with myself, because I was so alone. I was the most alone I think I had been in. I couldn't even tell you how long. And I honestly grew to loathe Toronto. I felt like it was the worst place to be for me.

I had such excitement going into its unlimited possibilities. I didn't think or plan ahead of what was going to be next. I just knew that this was a good pit stop for me before I carried on through life. I remember one day, I sat in my bed and I just cried my eyes out. I said, “I can't do this anymore”. I was exhausted. I was genuinely exhausted. I didn't want anything to do with life at that moment. And somehow I kept going. I met some beautiful people, first online and then in person. Now I have to say, still to this day, I feel the majority of people that I've met online have been the most amazing people of my life. They are some of the most compassionate and kind people that I know. And also a lot of them are not they're not from Toronto.

I laugh while I say that, because I realized when you're in Toronto, you have a certain mentality and at least with my own observation, it can get a bit clicky. It can get a little bit exclusive and it is a very hustle/grind culture that I realized very quickly. I don't subscribe to it. I want to live a life of calm peacefulness and joy. And this is for me. It's not that unless you have enough money to support yourself unless you have a lot of great friends to support you and cheer you on in this city, I just don't see how you can truly survive. Unless you have a due date, then that can definitely help you. But as I look back and I think about now that coming out of covid, I, I used to be so good with people.

And now I just don't want anything to do with most people. I think there are two parts to this. In my spiritual progression, I am more selective, even more than I have ever been. More selective, not just of people, but of my time, how valuable my time is, and how valuable my energy is. We don't really think about that when it comes to our energy. Our energy is very valuable. And with these pieces, we need to provide a very safe space, a very nourishing space, I should say. And so I noticed this with myself. I just can't be the same person I was.

There are parts of me that I would love to reintegrate, and those parts are to be a little more open with people to learn how to socialize. But then also realized that I am not the kind of person anymore who's going to be so exhausted and still attend someone's party. The reason why I say this is because if I cannot be my best self, even mildly my best self to another person, I am doing a disservice to that person because I am giving them exhaustion. And don't get me wrong, I understand that there are some people who are getting life from people when they see each other. And yes, there are certain people that give me life as well. For that to happen too, is a very deep bond. That's a very deep connection. And sometimes you're just tired.

I think living in a city that doesn't really respect people, being tired and allowing people to be graceful and cancel plans if they need to, not because they're being an asshole, but because they genuinely soulfully need it. It's been it's an interesting experience to be a part of. And so as I continue to walk my journey here for the limited time I have in Toronto, I realize that. Who I was. How I was and who I am now are all beautiful people. When I can learn to love each part of it and give space and kindness to myself, and also realize that it doesn't matter what another person thinks, they can think you are the worst person ever because of however they choose to perceive you.

That's on them not on you. If I choose to prioritize rest. And you feel jealous or frustrated. Try prioritizing rest as well. And rest doesn't mean, you know, laying on the couch and doing nothing. Rest can mean just taking a bath. It can be cooking a new recipe. It can be painting, going to a spa, getting a massage, or going for a walk. Spending time with your loved ones is rest. Rest looks like so many different things for many different people. I wanted to share this experience with everyone because I felt called to. And as you dear souls walk through this life. After covid you're able to reconnect with yourself. Just realize that you are so much stronger than you think. Look at how far you've come. Especially to the ones who have had a really hard time. You are an absolute superstar. As good as it is to forget. We must remember our strength of how who we are right now is the most beautiful.

Sometimes in areas of life, we take a step back to observe, to learn more, and to find peace where we never thought we could find it. So thank you so much. For those who view or listen to this story, I wish you all the abundance of love and success.

Let your love grow.